第五章（第3/10页）

"Does it matter very much? Do these things really affect us very deeply?... You had that lover in Germany...what is it now? Nothing almost. It seems to me that it isn't these little acts and little connexions we make in our lives that matter so very much. They pass away, and where are they? Where… Where are the snows of yesteryear?... It's what endures through one's life that matters; my own life matters to me, in its long continuance and development. But what do the occasional connexions matter? And the occasional sexual connexions especially! If people don't exaggerate them ridiculously, they pass like the mating of birds. And so they should. What does it matter? It's the life-long companionship that matters. It's the living together from day to day, not the sleeping together once or twice. You and I are married, no matter what happens to us. We have the habit of each other. And habit, to my thinking, is more vital than any occasional excitement. The long, slow, enduring thing...that's what we live by...not the occasional spasm of any sort. Little by little, living together, two people fall into a sort of unison, they vibrate so intricately to one another. That's the real secret of marriage, not sex; at least not the simple function of sex. You and I are interwoven in a marriage. If we stick to that we ought to be able to arrange this sex thing, as we arrange going to the dentist; since fate has given us a checkmate physically there.” Connie sat and listened in a sort of wonder, and a sort of fear. She did not know if he was right or not. There was Michaelis, whom she loved; so she said to herself. But her love was somehow only an excursion from her marriage with Clifford; the long, slow habit of intimacy, formed through years of suffering and patience. Perhaps the human soul needs excursions, and must not be denied them. But the point of an excursion is that you come home again.

“这何足挂齿？这样的小事怎会对你我的感情产生影响？……你在德国就曾有过情人……如今重演旧事又何妨？根本算不得什么。在我看来，生命中的那些小情事、小暧昧，统统无足轻重。它们消逝后便踪影不见，又有谁知道它们去了哪里？去了哪里呢……去年的积雪如今在何处？……一生中能够持久存续的东西才至关重要；对我来说，自己的生命最紧关截要，自己生命的绵延与发展尤其如此。那些露水情缘算得了什么？那些偶然的鱼水之欢更是微不足道！如果人们不可笑地添油加醋，乱加渲染，其本身跟鸟类交尾没什么区别。也应该就是如此。这又有什么大不了的？终生相守、相濡以沫才算弥足珍贵。重要的是白头偕老而非一夜销魂。你我已缔结连理，就算世事变迁，这一点也不会改变。我们已经培养出共同的习惯。依我看，长久的习惯比任何短暂的欢愉重要得多。恒久绵长、历经岁月考验的东西，才是我们赖以为生的基础，绝非那些转瞬即逝的激情时刻。夫妻双方朝夕相处，累积生活中的点点滴滴，直至情深意笃，琴瑟和鸣。这才是婚姻的真谛，性并非关键所在，至少不是单纯的官能刺激。你我因婚姻而彼此结合。如果我们守住底线，那么就可以像去看牙医一样，实施借种的计划，既然由于命运的阻挠，我们已经无法在肉体上完成结合。”康妮坐在旁边静静听着，心里又惊又惧。她也拿不准丈夫的话正确与否。米凯利斯是个不错的选项，那是她爱着的男人，康妮在心底默默对自己说。但在与克利福德漫漫的婚姻长路上，她的爱情不过是段偏离方向的短暂行程，去逃离经年累月的痛苦和忍耐衍生出的长久迟缓的亲密习惯。或许出轨本就源自人类灵魂的需要，而且这样的偏离往往无法抗拒。但经历这短暂行程之后，还是要再度回归家庭生活。

"And wouldn't you mind what man's child I had?" she asked.

“难道你不在乎我怀的是谁的孩子么？”她问。

"Why, Connie, I should trust your natural instinct of decency and selection. You just wouldn't let the wrong sort of fellow touch you.” She thought of Michaelis! He was absolutely Clifford's idea of the wrong sort of fellow.

“为何要在乎呢？康妮，对你端庄的本性以及选人的眼光，我应该有足够的信心。你绝不会准许那些下流胚碰自己。”米凯利斯的身影浮现在她的脑海！在克利福德眼中，自己的情郎可是不折不扣的下流胚。

"But men and women may have different feelings about the wrong sort of fellow," she said.

“但对于品性的判断，男人和女人有着不同的标准。”她说。

"No," he replied. "You care for me. I don't believe you would ever care for a man who was purely antipathetic to me. Your rhythm wouldn't let you.” She was silent. Logic might be unanswerable because it was so absolutely wrong.

“我不这样认为，”他回应道，“你在乎我的感受。相信你不会选择一个让我深恶痛绝的男人。你的直觉也会阻止你这么做。”她沉默半晌。这种逻辑关系简直是错得离谱，因此或许根本无法回答。

"And should you expect me to tell you?" she asked, glancing up at him almost furtively.

“假若有这样的事，你希望我告知实情么？”她边说，边偷偷地瞥了丈夫一眼。

"Not at all, I'd better not know… But you do agree with me, don't you, that the casual sex thing is nothing, compared to the long life lived together? Don't you think one can just subordinate the sex thing to the necessities of a long life? Just use it, since that's what we're driven to? After all, do these temporary excitements matter? Isn't the whole problem of life the slow building up of an integral personality, through the years? living an integrated life? There's no point in a disintegrated life. If lack of sex is going to disintegrate you, then go out and have a love-affair. If lack of a child is going to disintegrate you, then have a child if you possibly can. But only do these things so that you have an integrated life, that makes a long harmonious thing. And you and I can do that together…don't you think?... If we adapt ourselves to the necessities, and at the same time weave the adaptation together into a piece with our steadily-lived life. Don't you agree?” Connie was a little overwhelmed by his words. She knew he was right theoretically. But when she actually touched her steadily-lived life with him she...hesitated. Was it actually her destiny to go on weaving herself into his life all the rest of her life? Nothing else? Was it just that? She was to be content to weave a steady life with him, all one fabric, but perhaps brocaded with the occasional flower of an adventure. But how could she know what she would feel next year? How could one ever know? How could one say Yes? for years and years? The little yes, gone on a breath! Why should one be pinned down by that butterfly word? Of course it had to flutter away and be gone, to be followed by other yes's and no's! Like the straying of butterflies. "I think you're right, Clifford. And as far as I can see I agree with you. Only life may turn quite a new face on it all.” "But until life turns a new face on it all, you do agree?" "Oh yes! I think I do, really." She was watching a brown spaniel that had run out of a side-path, and was looking towards them with lifted nose, making a soft, fluffy bark. A man with a gun strode swiftly, softly out after the dog, facing their way as if about to attack them; then stopped instead, saluted, and was turning downhill. It was only the new game-keeper, but he had frightened Connie, he seemed to emerge with such a swift menace. That was how she had seen him, like the sudden rush of a threat out of nowhere.